The GATHERING
by EmpoleonsFlygonsAndHydriegons
Summary: WARNING: MAJORLY EXTREMELY LARGE SPOILERS. What happens in the Gathering after the The Last Hope? Well, alot of weird stuff. Read to find out! R&R&R&R&R K-plus for vaporizing and explosions


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Warriors series. The four people named Erin Hunter does. Or do. Now I'm confused. **

The Gathering

Dovewing looks out on the mass of multicolored cats. She thinks to herself, '_Huh. Life really is greater than the sum of its parts.' _ And with that philosophical revelation, she blows up.

Bramblestar looks at the remaining cinders of what once was Dovewing. "What a shame." He says mournfully. "I was going to have her give Purdy a sponge bath. Anyways, ThunderClan has been doing very well. But sadly, in the battle, we lost Hollyleaf and Firestar."

"AND FERNCLOUD!" Dustpelt screeches.

"Oh yes, that thing." Bramblestar says.

With a glare that equals in intensity to the Big Bang, Dustpelt stares at Bramblestar and says, "Shun the non-believer. SHUN." And he stalkes off into a seclusive corner, to plan Bramblestar's demise, or maybe just what to have for dinner.

"Also, we made two new apprentices, Seedpaw and Lilypaw." Bramblestar says to the chorus of cats and mice shouting Seedpaw and Lilypaw's names. "We also made two new warriors, Moleclaw and Cherryblossom. Spiderleg has moved into the elders den upon Lionblaze's request, despite that he is younger than me. Also, Cinderheart has moved into the nursery, expecting Lionblaze's kits, and my deputy Squirrelflight has moved into the nursery, expecting my kits."

Blackstar sees the proud soon-to-be fathers proudly exchange a proud smile, their faces swollen with pride, and Blackstar whimpereds. Not from the overuse of the word proud, but because of his train-wreck history of romantic relationships. _Will I ever find love? _Blackstar thinks with a pain equivalent to the random and uncalled for death of Firestar.

Onestar rolls his eyes. "Well, as much as we all care SO MUCH about your happy love stories, can we please get on with this Gathering? I really want to get home to catch the next episode of Glee." What Onestar doesn't say is that his lifelong dream has been to be a popstar. Yesterday, Crowfeather caught him singing Taylor Swift songs at the Moonpool. Why was Crowfeather at the moon-pool, well Crowfeather didn't want anybody to see him singing Katy Perry. They then joined in an intense duet.

"Also, Breezepelt is being a whiny baby as usual," Onestar adds.

"Hey!"

"Be quiet Breezepelt, we all know its true," Lionblaze says.

Bramblestar pointedly clears his throat, "Anyways, all is well in ThunderClan. Also I forgot to mention we lost Dovewing about sixteen minutes and thirty-eight point forty-three seconds ago." And with that he jumped down from the tree.

Blackstar leaps up on the tree so fast he created a ripple in the time-space continuum, shoving Thornclaw into the unforgiving wilderness of Canada.

"The warriors we lost in the battle were Kinkfur, Ferretnose and Ivytail." Blackstar takes a moment of silence to honor the deceased warriors. "Sooo we also have a new apprentice who smells kind of bad… Odorpaw, that's you… a new warrior… Uh… I think he died last week though… and I STILL HAVE NOT FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE!" Blackstar cries, bursting into tears.

The she-cats look at one and another uncomfortably.

Composing himself, Blackstar raises his eyebrows in a stalker-ish way. "So, Ladies, if you want some of this, come get some!"

Half the she-cats in the clan throw up on the spot. The others are rushed to the hospital for some "mental rehabilitation".

Blackstar steps down, slower this time, as the ThunderClan cats are mad that one of their best warriors is now in the unforgiving wilderness of Canada.

And up comes Mistystar.

"Well, in the battle we lost Hollowpaw, Mothwing, Willowshine, Graymist, Troutpaw, Mintfur, Icewing, Minnowtail, Mossypaw, Pebblefoot, Rushpaw, Mallownose, Robinwing, Beetlewhisker, Petalfur, Grasspelt, Duskfur, Mosspelt, and Dapplenose." She says to the clan.

"Wait, isn't that the whole clan except for the deputy and you?" an unknown voice calls out. It might have been Tigerstar, but no one is sure, since it's not quite clear where he went after getting killed for the second time.

"No, we didn't lose Pouncetail!" Reedwhisker shouts. Everyone turns to look at the elder, but he's not there. He was still walking to the island from RiverClan territory, about 6 miles away and moving v e r y s l o w l y.

"You must be so happy," mutters Ivypool as she plays with the ashes of Dovewing. Losing a loved one has turned her into a bitter, scornful cat.

Mistystar continues. "The small amount of us left have eaten most of the fish in the river. We each have gained approximately 165 pounds."

The branch she is sitting on suddenly realizes that she now weighs 180 pounds, and breaks, forming a stick.

Jayfeather looks at the stick, and finally realizes the meaning of true love. He forgot all about that other one, and set off to forge a future in the wilderness of the American Frontier.

Mistystar, who was on the floor because the tree broke, couldn't get up, due to the immense amount of body fat that is not suitable for a cat's small bone structure. Reedwhisker had to roll her over to the side to make room for Onestar.

Onestar looks at the clan that had appeared out of nowhere. They were supposed to be called SkyClan. His eyes turn red and he kills Leafstar nine times. He also killes her mate, her deputy, her kits and her clan. Then he stomps on their bones. His eyes return to normal. "Anyways, our clan has been doing very well. No one died in the fight, but Breezepelt is still being a whiny baby. Alas, life is truly greater than the sum of its parts," he says as he blows up, losing one of his lives. "We have no new apprentices, elders, kits, queens, warriors, deputies, medicine cats, medicine cat apprentices, flaming lions, sea-bears, or falling birch trees that randomly are struck by lightning that kill Clan leaders in really happy moments. And Breezepelt is _still_ being a whiny baby."

He leaped down from the tree, falling toward the ground at a speed of one billion miles per second, creating a ripple in the space time continuum that brought Thornclaw back from the unforgiving wilderness of Canada. Amazingly, he did not get hurt.

Suddenly Dustpelt leaps up to attack Bramblestar, but is vaporized by Bramblestar's sheer awesomeness. He comes back to life, and goes back to his corner.

Bramblestar looks around at the island. "Well, I guess this Gathering is over."

"NO!" calls a voice from the mass of cats that has somehow grown in the short time that it took in the time between when Brambleclaw looked around the island and the time I wrote this sentence. "We need to find out who Dovewing chose as her romantic interest in this series! It is an urgent matter!"

Many of the cats murmured their agreement. Sorreltail called out, "Yes, was it Tigerheart?"

"Or Bumblestripe?" yelled Pouncetail, who finally got here. He then enters a fit of intense wheezing that lasted 5 days.

"Or Foxleap!" calls Icecloud. Everyone turns to look at her. "What?" she says. "It could have happened!"

"Neither," calls the broken and contemptuous voice of Ivypool. She steps forward with five and a half long strides. "I know who it was."

Dramatic music pips in from some invisible speakers. Even StarClan stops what they're doing to see this moment with intensity equal to the lesser known Small Bang. Ivypool glances up at the sky.

"Neither," she repeated. "It was **Blackstar**."

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The world ended.

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><p><strong>So how was it?<strong>

**The wilderness of Canada is not unforgiving, it is very nice. **

**R&R**


End file.
